"Al"ways Wondering

Restlessness

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 06:37:28 GMT

Restlessness stirs my soul much in the same way one absent-mindedly stirs a cup of hot tea. Sips of thoughts wander around in aimless circles dissolving as easily as a teaspoon of sugar might. They drift away as easily as the steam blows away with the softness of a sigh.

Thoughts, wandering off in an aimless fashion, like the clouds in the sky. Helpless to follow any direction except what the wind wills. Attempts to grasp them are like trying to capturing the tendrils of an early morning fog, a mistiness that clings to you even in its elusiveness to evade your touch.

Restless thoughts without substance yet with the power to leave a longing in the soul that cannot be controlled nor ignored. A longing so sweet it brings the mistiness of tears to the eyes. Their meaning hovers on the horizon of forgetfulness, leaving behind a yearning to try to remember them. The frustration only adds to the restlessness that wanders the maze of the heart to the soul.

Restlessness stirs my soul, creating a powerful need that I am powerless to control. A need I do not understand, whose fathomless depths seek to drown me. A want that is just out of reach, yet as close as the touch of a shadow. Just as helpless to lose.

A need that is confusion in its complexity to be understood. A need whose substance is the mist left over from the roar of a falling waterfall. A need that drowns you beneath the tumbling waters leaving you gasping for breath. Then it sets you adrift down the chasm of your soul. Leaving you feeling lost and without direction.

Restlessness stirs my soul, its touch as elusive as an early morning dream. Touches of insanity that only dreams can make sane. Fragments of memory, little hints at remembrance and promises of the clearing of confusion. Whispers that trickle along the back of the mind, lost echoes that strain to be heard. Mirror reflections of ambivalent thoughts.

A restlessness stirs my soul and I am lost in it.

Strawberries and Rainbows

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 06:27:27 GMT

It is day froth with ambivalence. The weather is to blame, as it cannot seem to make up its own mind. It will start to rain, and then suddenly it stops. The wind will blow for a bit then it will be still. The sun shines but the clouds are dark overhead. How can I make up my own mind when I am surrounded by such ambivalent behavior? I go out to garden, then it rains, I go in and am undecided what to do. I go out again when it clears, only to be blown around by the wind. I go back in and wander around aimlessly. I go out again wearing a sweatshirt and I am over heated. I run in, take it off, and come out and the wind picks up and mocks me with its coldness.

I suppose I should respond with amusement at its mockery of decisiveness. To laugh at my own determination to garden in the face of such ambivalence. Maybe the weather has its own sense of humor and is laughing at me at the tricks is likes to play.

Maybe the two of us will smile and salute each other in recognition of the playful ambivalence. However, I imagine when I head out one more time the weather is going to get the last laugh!

Lulled into believing the wind had died down and the summer showers had abated I wandered outside again. Soon after settling into my gardening, the weather with a mischievous blow of the wind sent the rain showers down upon me again. Determined to wait them out I continued on with my gardening. The wind picked up and the rain came down harder. I continued on, calling the weather's bluff, and believing it would soon quit.

As the rain continued to come down harder, I gave a big sigh. Gathering up my gardening tools, I was ready to throw in the towel. A soggy one at that. As I headed out of my gardens, I spied the bright red blush of a ripe strawberry dripping with droplets of rain. Pulling my garden gloves off, I plucked that ripe berry and popped it in my mouth. I savored the sweet freshness that only a freshly picked homegrown strawberry has. With a smile, I continued to pick and enjoy strawberry after strawberry. The rain and wind no longer matter only the simple enjoyment of my homegrown strawberries.

Suddenly the sun came out and I smiled. As I savored another strawberry, I lifted my face to the falling rain, closed my eyes, and smiled into the shining sun above. I don't believe a more perfect moment existed. A moment so special that it nourishes the soul.

After a few more strawberries the rain let up, the wind quieted down, the sun continued to shine, and I went back to my gardening. I believe the weather and I had called a momentary truce. As the day waned, I wandered back inside. As I disappeared inside the weather went back to its ambivalence.

Later that evening from the sanctuary of our kitchen, the kids and I watched it pour. As the rain fell, the sun came out with a shining brilliance and we went in search of rainbows.

A Forgotten but Found Playground

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 01:15:45 GMT

It has been a very long time since I have wandered over to this journal. I feel a bit on the lost side but with feelings of nostalgia and a longing to run my fingers along the framework. A longing to wander down familiar almost forgotten paths, a longing that took me back reading over past entries. Some made me smile, others brought tears to my eyes, and I had to ask myself, “Why did I stop writing?”

I have excuses but really no good reasons. Maybe a laziness of the mind or maybe just a fuzziness of time moving by without a comprehension of how much truly has slipped on by. A fleeting thought of how much has been forgotten. A twinge of sadness tweaks the heart at such a thought. Maybe that tweak is the start of becoming motivated to write again? However, is sadness a reason to write? What of joy, humor, or even just contentment. What of the daily mundane or is that better forgotten? Maybe the mundane would be a good start, a beginning to learning to play with the words again.

A playground, stumbled back upon, with fond memories to reflect back on and maybe new ones to create. New memories to forge new paths that later can be reflected upon and not forgotten. A reason to play again, or to play for the simple joy of playing.

To write again, for the simple joy of writing.

Look into their eyes

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 01:27:00 GMT

I see the promise of life when I look into the eyes of my children or the little eyes of my baby puppies. A soulful look into what is and what might be. When a set of those eyes is eternally closed and the promise of life extinguished a pain of sadness slices through the heart and the soul is touched by a profound sense of regret. Such sadness and regret touched our family yesterday with the loss of a teenager friend of my oldest son.

We were left reeling in disbelief, shock, and fear at the swiftness and finality of this tragic accident. As I held my weeping son in my arms I felt a pang of guilt at the relief I felt that I still had him, that he still held the promise of life in his eyes. Saddened eyes that I looked deeply into as I pushed a lock of hair away and told him I loved him. I took the time to wander the house and look into my other kids' eyes and hug them, telling them that I love them.

My dogs sensing the profound sadness offered their own comfort. Such soulful trusting eyes they have. I hugged them close as well. I picked each puppy up and looked deeply into their eyes, rubbed noses, and gave them kisses as silent tears fell from my own eyes. I am reminded what special little treasures they are. They all are, especially my children. I am so blessed to be touched by them.

It is sad that it takes a tragedy to amplify the appreciation that lives in our hearts. I share these thoughts with my readers, even though it is really not a puppy moment, so they can take a moment to look into the eyes of their loved ones to see and appreciate the promise of life in there and embrace it! Hold it close and savor that moment, let your heart expand and be filled with it. Don't wait for the whisper of death who can steal such promises in the blink of an eye.

I am grateful and humbled by the trust placed in my hands by those eyes reflecting all of life's promises.

Josh, may you rest in peace, and your family find comfort in the promises of the eyes of those that still surround them.

Shadow Identities ...

Wed, 18 May 2005 17:21:29 GMT

I just discovered another person who has plagiarized my writings. She copied my whole introduction, an introduction that was written from my heart and soul. I can't decide if I am pissed off, flattered, or just simply annoyed with the person. She also mimicked my name as close as possible. Does this person not have her own imagination that she must create and live in someone else's shadow? Maybe I should feel sorry for her.

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 13:51:48 GMT

April 1, 2005

I squint at the time in the corner of my computer … 5:09 AM … but what day is it? I know it is Friday but is it really April Fools?

I’m squinting because my glasses broke and I haven’t gotten them fixed yet … why? It is complicated … too complicated for 5:09 AM.

Why am I up? Good Question even better why am I up, squinting at an overly bright computer screen and typing at 5 AM?

Well … I couldn’t go back to sleep. Around 4 something I woke up to the hack hack sound of something attempting to regurgitate a consumed non-digestible. Sleepily I rolled over and peered into the puppy pen to see which one of my Dogs, Doodles I call them, is hacking. As I move closer to a waking consciousness I realize the hacking is not coming from the puppy pen but over by my door. A flash of the Shrek scene pops in my mind of the Puss in Boots. Sure enough it is the cat hacking over by my door, which of course runs away as I approach. Most likely because I am doing a not quite awake stumble, squinting and leery of stepping on what ever gross thing that was hacked up.

Since I interrupted the cat, there was no gross pile so I scooped him up, he starts purring, though he doesn’t resort to the big eyes over the hat trick, and I tossed him outside to deposit his hair ball out on the deck to be hopefully washed away by the April showers pouring down outside.

Of course now all the Doodles are awake and eager to partake in any adventures involving the cat! Kira, jumped out, of course, so I had to toss her back in the pen, telling all of them, “Go back to sleep!” I tossed Gizmo back up on the bed, at 15 ½ yrs old his hopper isn’t working as well. I looked at Andy and pointed and he did his usual dive bomb back onto the bed. He loves this especially as it is a waterbed and sloshes all around! I climbed back in and closed my eyes. I whispered “Shhhh” to the Doodles, I mind whispered “Shhh” to myself. For almost half hour I lay there telling myself, “Go back to sleep!” Sheez the dogs were all passed out again!

It didn’t work and my mind despite my bodies groaning and moaning was awake. I told myself if I didn’t fall asleep in 5 more minutes I would get up and go work on my writing. I’ve been telling myself to write all week, all month, all year!

So here I am … awake at 5 something in the morning, squinting at an overly bright computer screen in a pitch dark room!

Now that I am here, awake, what do I write about? Another good question, I seem to be full of questions this morning. The questions are awake, the answers (wisely) are sleeping. The Doodles are now playing in the puppy pen by my desk after adventuring out in the rain for a potty break, which we are all still slightly wet from.

After a beautiful ‘come in like a lamb’ March I can hardly complain at the ‘out like a lion’ now into April showers. I was able to catch up on those fall garden chores that didn’t get finished in the fall. So mostly weeding and mulching my beds with a chipped wood mixture. I prefer this over the bark which tends to be full of splinters and doesn’t lure worms into my beds.

I got my peas planted and they are poking their first leaves up. I also noticed some tent caterpillars emerging from their cocoons. Groaning and moaning I went around yesterday with a bucket of soapy water, a pair of surgical gloves, and picked off what I could. Tricky since they are so tiny. I hope this year isn’t going to be like last years infestation! An infestation that resembled something out of a Stephen King movie!

Yesterday I tried to take it easy as I am in one of my relapses and the fatigue levels have been high. My workout partner was a no show which allowed me to also skip out on our workout! I’ve had my nose in a book by DeMille which is about the TWA flight that blew up over the coast of CA. I didn’t realize there was so much controversy over this event and it has been an interesting though very sad read. I was almost finished with the exciting end when my husband came upstairs (I was reading in bed) and turned out the lights! I need to finish that book today and get it turned in as I am paying fines to keep it! It is a much in demand book with over 80+ requested holds on it, so I knew it would be awhile before it came back around to me.

Tuesday my best friend Janet came over for lunch to celebrate our belated March birthdays. We both got plants for the gardens for each other, hers in these beautiful stump pots. Mine were just in the usual unimaginative black plastic pots and I forgot to get her a card. But, I did make potato soup and a nice fruit platter! She brought some rolls and we had a nice long lunch and visit. I really miss her now that she has moved into town and we don’t do our lunches as often as we did when she lived closer.

Monday is an Andy story which goes in my Andy journal … so I think I will move over to there and catch up … of course I am behind in that journal too!

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 20:04:43 GMT

One of my New Year Resolutions was to pick my journal writing back up … So here I go …

Survived the holidays, just barely, a whole another story which I will probably write about later, right now I haven’t gotten it all sorted out in my head.

Getting back into the regular swing of things, which includes jumping into the gymnastics competition season! We had our first meet last Sunday. My older son has retired, boo hoo, but he wasn’t enjoying it as much any more and this is a sport that you need to have an inner motivation for. So we let him quit but signed him up at a near by health club where he lifts weights, plays racquet ball and basket ball. My daughter will be competing in the Trampoline and Tumbling part of gymnastics!

The gymnastics association has made some big changes and we are still adjusting to them. We just got use to the old ways! Jake’s level is harder and he didn’t do as well as he wanted to. I figured better to get the kinks out this first meet and go up from here. He did take 5th overall on the Floor routine which was a big surprise as that is one of the events he struggles with. He is not wild about High Bar either. Parallel Bars and Pommel Horse are his two favorite events.

Sunday was devoted to the meet. It was Andy’s first meet and he did very well! You can read about it on Andy’s journal!

Another swing into things is working out. My friend Kari and I are back into lifting weights. She has been so helpful to getting me back into it and holding on. Though she wimped out on Monday! But worked out Tuesday and today! Our usual routine is Mon, Tue, Thur, and Fri. Tuesday I had trouble with the bench press as the motion and weight caused my back to go into spasms. I had to cut the weight and I could only do about 6 reps. I think sitting all day Sunday at the meet bothered my back and it hasn’t recovered yet. Balancing Fibro and Weights can be quite the juggling act.

Continuing with Andy’s training is another swing, one that also includes his journal entries. He is doing very well and I am so happy with him. I just love that guy! I am also enjoying the two new puppies!

Yes I said puppies! A whole new swing, actually a swing set! I am going to be breeding Labradoodle puppies! Last year I got my male puppy Bram (I should do an entry on him and my little girl) from California and my little girl is from the same parents as Andy! Her name is Kira. They keep me very busy! They probably need their own journal! :) I’ll think about it!! Hahaha! :)

We took them to the vet Tuesday where she got her last shot and all 3 were weighed. Bram is 40 lbs, the brute! But he is simple gorgeous with a fabulous temperament. Kira is 18 pounds and so very loving. She just loves to cuddle! I need to get on top of their training! Especially Housebreaking!

So lots of plans of coming up! Though right now I think I need to get my Christmas stuff put away and this tree out of my house! First lunch time! Oh the puppies say Yea to that idea! :)

I’ll try to be good about writing! Feel free to send some pushes my way as I am not sure I have much of a readership any more. See ya later!

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 06:52:14 GMT

All day I have felt horrible. Terrible dizzy spells, nauseousness, emotional instability, aches and pains, just horrible. It was the dizzy spells and the horrible heaviness in my head that finally made me think of my depression medicine. I ran out and have been so busy I haven't made it into town to refill the prescription.

I got on-line and started reading and believe I am in withdrawal :( I am just sitting here in tears, actually barely able to sit without toppling over.

I read a help site and they gave some suggestions and one was to go write in a journal and express the awfulness in the hopes of emotional purging. My husband wants me to call the Dr. and get on a lower dosage to taper off but right now my whole body rebels at the idea! I don't think I could force another one of those pills down my throat. I am angry at myself for trusting my Dr and not doing my own research, why don't they tell you about this part? Normally I do my own research but he reassured me it was safe with minimal to no side effects :(

Another suggestion was to drink lots of water, which I am trying to do but my stomach is struggling with this. I took some of my natural supplements and anti-toxins. Mentioned lots of raw food and anti-toxins. Tomorrow I will go on a juice and veggie fast and see if I can't purge my system.

I tried to lay down and sleep some of it off but I can't sleep so I am caught in this cycle and can't get loose. It is truly awful! And at such a happy time for me too! I've been up in the air with my new puppy, our new trailer is coming tomorrow or the next day, summer has been quite enjoyable ... until now ...

This is Heidi ...

Fri, 18 Jun 2004 06:55:20 GMT

Hey I know her ....... A solo woman's almost year long bike tour from North Carolina to Alaska and back again.

http://www.crazyguyonabike.com/journal/?opts=300&doc_id=430&mtime=20040617161448#

New Trailer!!

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 19:18:37 GMT

I'm so excited! Our new trailer is almost done! He sent us pictures and I see he posted one on his web site! Check it out!!

http://www.richsportablecabins.com/ The Puget Sound Loft with Bay Window.

Don't ya just love that log siding?!! The interior is being done in pine-grooved paneling!

This was our design, picked and put together from several trailer models, and built by Rich! He named it Puget Sound after us! Cool! :) He is working on the inside now!

I can't wait to camp out in it! :)

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 16:45:13 GMT

Finally heard from my Dad. He is getting married ... again! For the 6th time! Though 3 of those were to the same woman, who he recently divorced ... again.

He sounds happy and I am truly happy for him. I have, over time, grown to truly dislike Reba (the one married 3 times). I hope this time it all works out and this woman can pull him back into the family loop instead of dragging him out like Reba did.

Of course his email was full of how God brought her into his life and how blessed he is etc. Well according to my Dad, God had everything to do with his last 4 marriages and it was God's will for the divorce ... *sigh* I sure hope God got it right this time!

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 06:22:19 GMT

Oh man was it hard getting up this morning. I actually hit the alarm and fell back asleep. Luckily I woke back up 15 minutes later. I was having a weird dream about going to bunko and sleeping through most of the game, while I was playing, and the ladies there were laughing about it. I have such odd dreams.

Ran a few errands with Andy, what a pill he is in the car when he is feeling feisty! I tried to clean house in between play sessions with Andy and get some laundry done. It was cool and quite windy outside so I didn’t try to garden.

Taking the boys (I carpool with another Mom) to the gym after school is an adventure in itself. The conversations they get into! My younger boy announced that he learned something new about penguins. “What?” They asked. He promptly announced that they could shoot their poops over 16”! “Short range ammo!” was the response to that which lead to some other *rolling my eyes* comments. That then lead to them discussing how far they could pee. I tuned the conversation out at that point though the last I heard was something about 7’! Boys!

My daughter has informed me that she no longer wishes to do horse vaulting. We had been talking about it and I had told her it was her decision. I was a tad disappointed as I think she could do very well at it. It is also a sport that she doesn’t share with her brothers. But reading between the lines I can understand why she wants to quit. The people who run it are a bit on the stern side and my daughter tends to be sensitive, like her Mom. Easily brought to tears. She also started with one friend who since has had another friend join who lives close to her. So those two are close pals. I think Marissa is feeling the odd man out in that threesome. I swallow my disappointment; mostly because I know under better circumstances she would be happier with this sport, and tell her how proud I was that she stuck it out through her competition and earned her medal!

My two youngest are at a stage where they just can’t seem to get along. They bickered on the way home until I threatened to send them to bed with no dinner. Then they proceeded to stick their tongues out at each other, silently! At home, after getting their dinners, the bickering kicked in again. My head hurt and I just left the kitchen and sat at my computer. When my husband let me know the broccoli was done I told him I lost my appetite. I got my daughter to bed, only reading a few pages, pointing out that she spent her reading time arguing with her brother instead of getting ready for bed.

After that I played with Andy in the kitchen for awhile laughing as he tried to entice the cat to play. My son and I were laughing as the cat would bop Andy on the head but not hard enough to deter Andy, though enough that Andy would try to halt and then would slip on the floor. We figured the cat was laughing at him. My son scooped up the cat and headed off to bed though bending over to allow the cat one more bop on the head to Andy!

Andy is all tuckered out and I think it is time for me to head to bed! Night!

A few dribbles to get my fingers wet ...

Mon, 07 Jun 2004 21:04:20 GMT

Life seems so much sunnier with Andy around. I find myself laughing at him and finding more humor in other things around me. Life is also busier and narrower as a puppy is quite demanding!

Friday we headed out to our property as it an incredible low! A –4.1! Unfortunately we couldn’t get out there until 3:30 and the lowest time was 2:30, but the kids all enjoyed their walk. I opted to stay up by the trailer as we were expecting someone to come by to give us a big on having a pad poured. We need to do this soon, as our new trailer will be ready soon! I can’t wait!

This weekend I worked out in my gardens. I finished putting my two strawberry beds together though it wiped me out as I discovered Sunday evening. I am way behind in my garden projects due mostly to the caterpillar infestation and then getting my puppy, which originally was planned for late July. Caught up on some weeding around my raspberries. Enjoying fresh strawberries and a few early raspberries. Still need to plant my boysenberries and my kiwi!

My cousin Matt and his wife had a baby girl! Congratulations to them. I know they were excited and my Aunt and Uncle were beside themselves! I am so happy for all of them. Hopefully my Aunt can finally let go of the loss of her own daughter and live in this new Grand Daughter.

Time to get ready to pick up kids and do the gym routine …

Long Time ...

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 05:06:36 GMT

It has been so long since I posted a journal entry. I kept saying I wish I was keeping up as so many things have happened and it seems time is just flying by me so fast! I can't believe it is June all ready!

My kids most definitely keep me busy! Both my boys qualified at the State Meet for Regionals in Gymnastics. My younger boy was 2nd overall at State! and State Champ of P. Bars. He brought home 5 out of 7 medals at Regionals! They both did so well! They make me so proud!

My daughter competed in her first horse vaulting competition! She looked so grown up on that horse! She was also invited to be on the Trampoline/Tumbling Team and will be competing next season in that!

My son tried out and made the high school soccer team! We went to the awards banquet tonight! That booster club can keep one busy full time! *yikes*

I have been gardening as much as I can though I was distracted by the hordes of tent caterpillars that invaded our area! I had never seen so many, it was like something out of a Steven King movie! *eek*

The biggest, most recent event, that draws me back to my journals is the entry of Andy into my life! I finally got my new Service Dog puppy! I waited over two years for him and it was well worth the wait! :) I've decided to document his training and so I started his own journal ... Andy_ServiceDog as well as an email based one at Andy_Service_Dog@yahoogroups.com! Come visit us :)

Well the little guy is all tuckered out and sleeping here on my lap! I better go snooze while he is as he will be waking up soon and wanting to go potty!!!

Fevers and Chills, oh no!

Thu, 20 Nov 2003 05:55:54 GMT

I can't believe my whole family is sick :(, even my husband. I almost feel guilty that I am not joining them though I am sure I will do my time in the sick bed as well. I catch everything! *grimace*

It just is so odd as it is usually me who is sick. My older son came down with it first on Tuesday and has spent the last two days in bed and barely eating. My younger son woke up coughing but said he was fine. I was late picking him up at school because my older boy's orthodontic appointment took so long. He sat on the curb looking so forlorn. Poor guy was running a fever too :(. I felt awful for being late but bless his little heart as he told me it was ok as he didn't want to ride the bus sick. As he was getting in the car my daughter's school called me and said she was running a fever of 102 and could I come and get her! *eek*

She had to miss horse vaulting today. Lucky for the boys it is their off day from gymnastics though my older boy missed yesterday. He is all ready groaning at all the potential homework he will have to make up.

My daughter was sick to her tummy, poor thing. When she threw up I took the bowl and it was actually hot on the bottom! I ran and took her temperature as that really startled me! 101.9. She is sleeping on the couch now and I haven't the heart to make her go upstairs to her bed.

My husband actually lay his head down on the table while reading his boating magazine! He commented that he wouldn't be going into work tomorrow. I can't remember, if ever, him taking a sick leave day! Poor guy.

Here I sit, fit as fiddle! Well as fit as possible for me. I downed some extra Vitamin C and some echinanea. *knock on wood*!

Study face-lift.

Wed, 19 Nov 2003 07:21:36 GMT

I look around my study and I wonder ... "Why didn't I do this years ago?"

"Did what?" you ask. I complete makeover remodel! It isn't quite finished but so far I just love it. Even though the painting and wallpaper didn't quite go together like I had hoped I still love it!

It started out as simply wanting to buy a new desk for the kids to do their homework on. I wanted something simple mostly just a tabletop. I looked at several places and didn't find what I wanted within the price I was willing to pay. Then the Ikea catalog came in and there was the desk I wanted and very affordable. Then ...

I measured this old table that my husband had made years ago. It looked like a miniature picnic table. I had put it against our desk (door on file cabinets) years ago to create a T-Style desk arrangement. This was a temporary idea to see if I liked it, which lasted for over 6 years! I decided to replace it with another desk to match the one I was buying. Then I decided to get matching bookcases to sit on either side of the desk and a CD unit. While I was at it ;)!

Then I had my husband move the bulletin board from above the computers to a sidewall so it was reachable. The blank wall that was left just looked hideous! So I went all out and ordered wallpaper for the main wall, border for the whole room, and then bought paint for the other walls. I decided to sponge paint and took a faux painting workshop at Home Depot.

I spent 3 days sponge painting. First day Vintage Grape. (OK Mom, the walls are purple my skeptical kids commented.) It is a nice purple that matches the trim in the border I reassured them. Second day, Whispering Pine a dark green. (OK Mom this is totally weird, you should have just left it purple! Interesting was all my husband said) Have faith I told them all! Third day was Oat Cake, a soft cream. Oh what a difference it made as it really tied the first two colors together! Stunning, gorgeous, and the words of my oldest son, Way Cool! Everyone who sees it falls in love with it!

Next the wallpaper. A striped pattern in soft beiges with green and maroon stripes. Very soft and subtle. The border an elegant swirl of cream on a background of dark green (Whispering Pine) with purple (Vintage Grape) trim. Perfect for a study! Went with the new birch furniture perfectly! But not as perfect as I wanted with the sponge painting.

It is almost as if I created a conflict of emotions as the colors all match. The painting is exciting, stunning, and breathtaking. The wallpaper is calming, steady, and soothing. I am hoping that when I get done with painting the trim, the Whispering Pine, and putting up all the border it will pull it all together. Tomorrow I might sponge on some more of the Oak Cake to lighten it up some. Well all except this one wall which will be mostly hidden by the door when I get the doors re-installed. It is perfect. Even my son said, "Don't touch it Mom!"

My husband caught up in the whirlwind of remodeling even replaced the desk door with a new birch door. The former door dating all the way back to his college days! We installed new shelves over the computers and a new shelf the bookcases will sit on against the back wall. We are keeping the T-style desk system though he is going to attach the desk and the door together.

Cleaning the study out was quite the project and I still have piles scattered around the house. I couldn't believe the boxes of mixed paper that I had thrown together. You know those boxes ... company is coming and no time to sort through it all, so stuff it in a box till later type of box! I cleaned out 3 2-drawer file cabinets, retiring the ugly metal one to the basement and 5 bags full of paper to the recycle bin! I organized the other two creating lots of new files so I could finally file many of those papers. Cleaning the bookcases off so I could move them created this huge pile in my dining room! I can not believe how much stuff was on those bookcases. As soon as the shelf they sit on hardens I will put up the bookcases and go through that huge pile! Tackling the closet is in there too though not right now as I finish up painting the trim!

Whew what a project it has been. It has taken me over a month and 3 weekends worth of hubby helping to get it this far, and I just love it! Why didn't I do this years ago?

Dust and Cobwebs ....

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 07:17:23 GMT

It is almost midnight, my windows black, reflecting the inner world that lies within. I find my spirit is restless and my mind refuses to slumber ... so despite the chill in the air that teases my toes with frostbite ... I find I have wandered back down to my computer and into a neglected world ... hmm one I see that has collected dust and cobwebs ... a fitting setting for the upcoming Halloween holiday ... a holiday my daughter and her friend gleefully ventured to the basement to bring up my containers of spooky decorations and decorated the house in its ghostly theme.

Today I bought a pumpkin costume for Gizmo, he and I will both go as pumpkins to Bunko this month ... a fact that I am sure he is rolling his little eyes at ... the costume that is ... he adores Bunko night because all the ladies make over him so ... ;)

Yesterday I bought an assortment of candy to put in our Halloween bowl. It is a bowl with a hand poised as if reaching out ... to catch any unwary greedy tricksters trying to take more than their fair share ...

Target has these bowls which are mechanical and if you reach in, the hand bends over to grab your hand ... I didn't know this and when I reached into the bowl ... I screamed ... much to the delight of my boys who just laughed and laughed at their scardy cat Mom! :)

Since Halloween is on a Friday we are heading over to a friend's house, one who lives in a real neighborhood with Trick or Treating ... unlike our country neighborhood, a decided disadvantage to living in the boonies ... though I am sure we have a few spooky characters down in the back woods ... none I wish to go and ring their doorbells for treats!!!

I find I am yawning and the dog no longer wishes to warm my chilly toes, so maybe my mind will allow itself to drift off to dream land ...

Life's Closet con't

Fri, 28 Mar 2003 16:35:18 GMT

Jerry was taken out of ICU but was still in very serious condition. They had discovered that he had gallstones that were blocking a viaduct and toxins were backing up into his kidneys and liver. His white blood count was too low for them to risk surgery.

The rest of the week was a flurry of Dentist and Doctor appointments. Tuesday Marissa had her appointment for the retainer. She woke up that morning still complaining of a sore throat so I scheduled her a Doctor appointment after the Orthodontic. Good thing I did as she was diagnosed with a sinus infection and pneumonia! I was thinking she might have strep, which they did test for but thankfully was negative, as it would have complicated the antibiotics she needed. So off to the Pharmacy and no school for her the rest of the day!

We found out Jerry was diagnosed with double pneumonia! :(

The next morning was the regular dentist for all 3 kids. Basic stuff for the boys and a cavity for Marissa. I've decided to change dentists for the boys. I'm not overly fond of this office which is filled with little screaming toddlers! Eric felt like a giant sitting in the waiting room. I think it is time to move on to an adult dentist for the boys!

Jerry went into emergency surgery, as they had no choice, those gallstones had to go. The whole procedure sounded truly awful! *shiver* That night we were told that Jerry had asked for his son. So he was flying in.

Thursday was jammed pack. I had to chuckle when at the end of the day I was sitting on the couch at the gym and one of the young gymnasts plopped down on the couch across from me and like a little mini adult, very serious said, "Hey There, What did you do today?" He looked quite serious and interested so I took a deep breath ...

"First I got my kids off to school, then I went and renewed my driver's license, took the van in to have the wheels balanced and rotated, went out to lunch with a friend, visited a nursery and looked at plants, went to a bead store and picked out some beads, picked up my kids and brought them to gymnastics, went to the grocery store and now back here to rest. How was your day?"

He nodded his head, "Sounds like a good fun day. Busy though. My day was good, I went to school and now the gym."

With that he got up off the couch and went back to practice. He left me with a smile.

At 2 AM with both of his children at his side, Jerry passed away.

The first call was from my husband's sister at 4:15 AM. I was too choked up to say much, though I had commented to my husband that I thought the end was near since he asked for his son. The next call was from my Mom-In-Law, and then Jerry's daughter called. The morning was a blur as I fielded calls between the family and my husband who was working on his flight down there and cancelled other engagements. The worst moment was when I broke the news to my kids.

It was awful trying to explain and watching their little faces crying so much. I suggested we sit down and make memorial cards saying why Jerry was so special to us. I didn't know what else to do.

Early that afternoon I was on the phone seeing if I could arrange transportation for Eric to the gym, when Marissa came running in with, "Mom, hurry it is an emergency!" Poor thing was just in tears. I finished up my call and Marissa cries, "The police are going to take Teesha away!" Teesha had been playing at our house that afternoon.

*Big sigh* I had been somewhat expecting something like this but really this just awful timing. I put my shoes on and went up to see what was going on. The Mom was hysterical saying the Home Society took her daughter away and that the police were coming to take the other two. She was just carrying on about how it was a big mistake and that someone reported she had guns and she didn't. This person was after revenge, etc. I told her that Teesha could stay with me while she resolved this situation. I really wasn't quite clear as there was quite a bit more ranting and a lot of it didn't add up. Mostly I saw a little 6-year old girl crying and my daughter who was upset.

The mother left to go and try to talk to someone. I sent the girls up to my daughter's room to play. Soon the cops did arrive. The girls came running down and poor Teesha was so upset. She looked up at me and said, "Please don't let the bad guys take me away!" I reassured her that the police were not the bad guys and they would be good to her, but she begged me to stay. Looking at two such upset faces does things to one's heart.

So I went out there to plead her case. The situation really was so complicated it is hard to put in short digest. The cops explained since I wasn't a foster home, Teesha couldn't stay. On the other hand they did not have an official CPS warrant. So they made a judgement call and said they would allow her to stay, as they knew the Grandma was trying for temporary custody. At that point the Grandma could give permission for her to stay but that currently the Mom had no say in the matter. The cops said they would call me later. *Sigh* What a mess. As I told the cops my only objective was to help reduce the trauma for this little girl whom we were quite fond of. She had spent lots of time at our house over the year and spent many nights and weekends. We even had a toothbrush for her.

What a mess! I still had a 5 PM appointment to keep and a husband to get to the airport!

Life's Closet con't ...

Thu, 27 Mar 2003 17:52:51 GMT

March roared in like lion and not just weather wise! My cough and sinus infections were on the way out and under control. Thank goodness I was on the mend as there was much to be dealt with.

To start off with my daughter was sick all Sunday, March 1st, poor thing threw up all day and was running fevers. News was not good for Jerry. He had tumors in his throat and they had grown and closed his throat off and he went in for an emergency shunt to be put down his throat to open it up. Tests indicated the cancer was extensive and there was little that could be done. They couldn't operate and he didn't qualify for radiation due to the 10-year-old pig valve in his heart. They had scheduled him for Chemo, which he had started February 26th. He was given 6 months at the most to live. We all were just devastated.

The next morning I had my CT scan, bright and early in the morning. That night I didn't sleep well. I kept dreaming over and over again, all in different scenarios, that I was going to be late for my appointment. No matter what I did in my dreams, even staying in a hotel next to the hospital I was going to be late. I kept waking up and checking the clock convinced the power went off, or it wasn't set, or the volume was turned too low, or another of the excuses that had me worried. Finally I woke up 20 minutes before the alarm, said, "Bag this, I'm up and I will just leave early!" As I got ready to leave my husband got up and I told him all about my dreams and that I was leaving 20 minutes early. He laughed, hugged me and said, "Have fun!" Oh yea right *rolling my eyes*

I headed out, feeling good because I left early, and as I came close to the bridge, traffic came to a halt! A halt several miles back from the bridge. We just crawled and guess what? I was late for my appointment! Luckily only 5 minutes due to the extra time I gave myself. One hour to the appointment and 35 minutes home again! Big difference! I met my husband at the bus stop just catching the kids getting ready to go to school. I ran my morning car pool and then headed home to take care of my daughter so my husband could leave for work.

After that the rest of the rest of the month is a flurry of Doctor and Dentist appointments. I had one the next morning to fix a tooth that had broken. Gizmo was a pro and the office just loved him! Wednesday Marissa and Eric had their orthodontic appointments. Eric got braces and Marissa was suppose to get a retainer but the mold was off and it didn't fit. We had to reschedule that appointment.

By Wednesday this virus that Marissa had, had spread through her school. 30% of the students and staff were sick and the health department had been called in. They closed the school for the rest of the week so they could investigate and thoroughly clean the school. It was all over the news! It is quite odd and a bit scary to see your school being featured in such a way on your TV! I knew all the people being interviewed! So she ended up only going to school on Tuesday that week!

That weekend back to Portland for the Rose City Gymnastics Competition. Before we left I put a call into my Mother-In-Law to see how Jerry was doing. We found out that he had collapsed on Wednesday and was rushed to the hospital and put in Intensive Care. The Chemo. had wiped him out and his white blood count was dangerously low. She said he was in an O2 tent and with limited visitors who had to wear gloves and mask to just sit with him. His daughter flew in and was staying in the room with him. She is a nurse so they allowed her to care for him. This was just awful news and I left our hotel number in case something else happened.

Eric competed at 4:30 on Friday and Jake didn't go until Sunday morning. Eric had a great meet getting his highest all around ever and 6 personal records out of 7! Since we had Saturday free we went to the Portland Science Museum which we could get into with our Seattle Science Center Membership. The kids had a great time and there were lots of hands on stuff for them to do. I was exhausted by the end of the afternoon and took a nap after we got back to the hotel while the rest of the family went swimming.

Bright and early we arrived at the meet only to find out that we didn't need to be there until noon! That level had been divided up into two sessions and the coach had not made it clear that we were in the second session. The rest of the team was under the same assumption so we did not have any happy parents! But Jake did well and we got home very late and with leaving early Friday it was a very long weekend. Thank goodness I refused to schedule anything on that following Monday!

The health department sent letters home saying it was a Norivirus and that it had a short immunity life span so one could get sick again only two weeks after getting it! Great! Time to scrub and clean, bleach and Lysol the house down! So much for a restful Monday!

Life's Closet

Thu, 27 Mar 2003 16:11:56 GMT

Last month, almost two months ago actually, I started out with the intention of cleaning the clutter up in my home in the hopes it would help clean some of the clutter in my mind. Instead it seemed I opened the first closet and life just dumped out over my head. My poor head is still spinning.

Soon after writing my last entry I became horribly ill. I had been sporting a sinus infection through January but it seemed to be on the out and I thought I was getting better. Instead it was just building until it knocked me flat on my butt. On top of that I developed the flu and a horrendous cough. The cough just racked through my body leaving me in tears and gasping for breath. Of course my whole FM symptoms kicked in too. I couldn't sleep at night and when I did I had to sleep sitting up. I ended up camping out on the couch so I wouldn't keep my husband awake. One night I sat and watched Lord of the Rings three times in a row before the morning light brightened the windows.

I dragged myself to the Dr. where he put me on antibiotics and gave me a cough medicine. Lately my Dr. has been near impossible to get through too. In January, I tried for 3 days and finally gave up. Again it took 3 days before I got through. They told me their phone systems have been acting up! Sheez, I would think a Doctor's office would get that fixed right away! The cough medicine, while it worked, it knocked me out. It was only suppose to last through the night but with me I slept the next day too. When I picked up the kids I made my son go with me and watch that I didn't fall asleep! :( Scared me to pieces but I had to get the kids. I think I slept most of that week away but slowly I recovered and I am sure I needed the rest. I did end up getting the sinus infection again and had to go back (only 2 days of trying this time, an improvement *sarcastic tone*) for more antibiotics. The Dr. sent me in for a CT scan to find out exactly what was going on, as this had been a battle for the last 4 months and my third set of different antibiotics. I had been sick for almost 6 weeks and the last half of January and most of February is still a blur.

I have to look at my calendar to remind myself what all went on. We had two gymnastics meets, one in Portland. I didn't make the Service Dog Meeting but I did make my Bunko night. Dentist appointments for me and the kids and orthodontic appointments for my older son and my daughter. The Science Fair. Lunch with my friend Janet and of course regular Dr. appointments for me.

After the gymnastics meet in Portland we were invited to go and meet the Labradoodle I am going to get my pup from. The lady was so nice and I loved the dogs, especially the to be Mom. She was very stable and calm, very alert and seemed sensitive but not flighty. The to be Dad was not as stable and seemed a bit flighty but was still young. Hopefully she will have a litter of pups this summer and I will get my pup soon after Christmas. I still debate on getting a small dog or the bigger dog. But I did fall in love with the Labradoodle!

Probably the most noted date on my February calendar was February 10th; "Jerry Dr. App!" underlined twice. It was the day he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Cleaning the Clutter

Mon, 03 Feb 2003 16:24:27 GMT

I read this article about the Chinese energy flow of your life and home, though all the words used to name it have eluded my sleep-deprived brain. I tried to find the article again but alas it eludes me. I follow links around much like a trail through a maze and often can't find them a second time or remember where I found the beginnings of the thread the first time. But alas the gist of the article was that one needs to clear out the clutter in their life. Physical clutter that is.

It started by mentioning all the old clutter one keeps under the bed, even suggesting that it could be blocking or repressing ones sexual energy and that by cleaning it all out you would help clear out these energy channels. At first I chuckled and thought of my waterbed and the impossibility of anything being under it, let alone any sort of channels.

This weekend while I was vacuuming my bedroom I did note there was space under the bed near the headboard and the set of drawers in the frame. Out of curiosity, of course not because I believe in it, I just had to get down and peek under there.

Hmm, his side: Compiler Theories, FORTRAN, Programmers Reference Guides and other old computer books, mostly from college. My side: an assortment of dog toys and a couple of kid toys. In between: Crumpled Tissues and dust bunnies. Not exactly conducive to any of those sexual energies that might be flowing around! The drawers were filled with an assortment of his old sweaters, gym clothes during my bodybuilding era (pre kids) ski gear, and old colorful nylons. Egad! Did I really wear bright pink or blue nylons? Or even those polka dotted ones!

While I didn't really believe that cleaning all this stuff out would solve any of my sexual woes, well unless I could fit into those gym clothes again, I did think it was probably a good idea to clear out some of the older unused stuff. Of course only so I could stuff it with newer fresher stuff. Though maybe an assortment of umm lingerie ... toys ... might clear out some of those er sexual channels ... hmmm ... oh sorry I digress here ...

The article went on to talk about clearing out excess clutter especially in ones basement or areas below the house and by doing so one would free up their own cluttered and blocked energies. Mentally I have been feeling quite cluttered and at a loss as how to deal with it. Maybe clearing out some of the clutter around the house might be enough of a mental boost towards coming up with some ideas of dealing with some of these mental rocks er blocks in my head. Of course if as an added bonus it frees up some of those sexual energies I won't be complaining! ;) Not that I believe in that! oh no!

So I decided this week is, "Clean Clutter", week. Starting with my bedroom ... I think I have an assortment of some hot romance fiction that I could replace those old stodgy computer books with ...

Raking up Rocks ...

Sat, 01 Feb 2003 17:21:37 GMT

I have hit the end of my rope.

That isn't quite the right analogy to explain how I feel. That leaves me with visions of dangling over a cliff with a roaring river waiting below me. Or being tied to a tree at the beginning of a trail and then hitting the end with a kerplunk on the butt. I could reach behind me and just cut through the rope and continue on. Even the idea of plunging beneath the depths of that raging river sounds more appealing than where I actually sit now.

No, I think a more accurate picture would be that I have hit the end of my rake. It is more like raking rocks. You start by raking up a few pebbles, this isn't so hard, you think. Then you rake up a few bigger rocks then maybe a boulder a too and lots more pebbles. The pile gets bigger, heavier and is harder to pull. You keep raking and plugging along, picking up more rocks and pebbles until finally the pile is to big to move. No matter how hard you pull and jerk you have hit the end of your rake. It is no longer possible to pull that pile along any more.

That is where I am, at the end of my rake and staring at this huge pile of rocks that I no longer have the strength or will to pull around any more. What to do with them? I find I can't just walk away from them. How do I pick them up and toss them away? So I find I am sitting and staring at them. They haunt me with their weight and refusal to just melt away. I feel at a loss, an almost puzzlement of confusion as to how they got so heavy to begin with and how there came to be so many. I don't wish for any more to be added to my pile!

I think the other day's near tragedy has shaken me from this lethargic state that I have been slipping into. A type of slowing limbo that has been creeping over me, not just months but slowly over the years. A certain inner resignation that makes moving on harder to do. Existing just day by day. I realized that I have been pulling in the same spot, digging a hole with my struggling feet, eyes striving to look forward refusing to look back at this dragging pile. I can no longer go forward dragging this pile of rocks.

I finally realized ...

... I've reached the end of my rake.

The Whisper of a Close Call ...

Fri, 31 Jan 2003 20:18:42 GMT

Wednesday I woke up with the vestiges of my cough and stuffy nose still lingering. I debated whether I felt well enough to meeting my friend for lunch, but decided to postpone that final decision until I had taken the variety of cold medicines I had been living on the last 5 days.

As I sniffled and hustled the kids out the door to school I decided that I would go and IM'd my friend to let her know that the plans were a go. I dropped the boys off and headed out. As I merged onto the highway an internal voice whispered in my head, "You are going to have an accident and will die." The cold fingers of premonition walked up the back of my spine leaving me chilled. The voice repeated its warning and I considered turning around and going home. Past experiences had taught me the wisdom of heeding this voice. I hesitated and in that hesitation passed my exit that would take me home. Glancing at the clock told me that my friend would have left all ready and I would not be able to catch her. Taking a deep breath I reassured myself that I would drive extra cautiously which with the pouring rain was wise just in itself.

As I headed into town and to cross the Narrows Bridge traffic slowed to a crawl. As I approached the entrance to the bridge it appeared that the back up was due to the new construction that was started and the bridge itself was fairly clear. Traffic sped up considerably as everyone wanted to make up for the lost time due to the back up. Reminding myself to be cautious I kept plenty of space between me and the big red pick-up in front. On the downside of the bridge, traffic in front of me started flashing red lights as brakes were suddenly applied.

While I had to brake harder than I normally do I still had plenty of space in front of me to stop as traffic came to a complete halt. I could hear the crunching of metal, as other cars had not been successful in stopping. I glanced in my rearview mirror and stared in horror at the black letters "M A C" on the bumper of a semi-truck who was coming at me at a very fast pace. I could see that he was struggling to stop as his truck jerked repeated and slid on the slick road. All I could do was sit there and pray. There was no where to go, not on the bridge. I whispered repeatedly, "Please Stop, Please Stop." Mentally I tried to calculate how much the van would crunch from the back and what the impact would be when I would be pushed into the truck ahead of me. I pushed harder on my brake.

With a "Thank-you God" I watched him stop, I am sure, within a few inches of my bumper. I watched him jerk forward one more time but his position held. Later I wondered if had been hit from behind himself.

Tears filled my eyes as the adrenaline from the panic whipped through my system. I gulped in breaths as I struggled to breathe. Gizmo went straight into alert mode and I grabbed for his vest and fished out my medicines and grabbed a water bottle. He crawled closer to me, his eyes fixed on my face and finally crawled into my lap. Traffic started to move ahead of me. As the red pick-up pulled forward I saw on the ground ahead of me broken glass and car parts. I also noted on the opposite side of traffic they were cleaning up the remnants of an another accident. I tried hard to control the shaking as the truck behind me pulled into the right lane and pulled along side me. Traffic ahead of me cleared as 5 or 6 cars pulled off to the shoulder as they exited off of the bridge. I slowly pulled away. It wasn't until the panic cleared that I wondered if I was supposed to have stayed. Though I had not witnessed anything other than my own close encounter with the truck behind me.

All I could think of was that the voice had been right, again. I was shaking at what that meant and had I not been overly cautious myself I would have been crunched between two large trucks, having not been able to safely stop myself. I am sure by my giving myself the room to stop and coming to a slower, though still hard stop, gave the truck behind the ability and space to stop as well.

Thank goodness for the voice, which I believe saved me, and for my little guy Gizmo, who stabilized me through the panic.

Boo Day

Thu, 31 Oct 2002 18:10:53 GMT

I think recognizing this funk, examining it, picking it apart and trying to understand it, is a key to fixing it.

I recognize it and have decided I don't like it. I want to fix it. I have examined it and picked it apart and I understand it. So now what to do about it?

What do I want to change?

I accept the fact that I am basically a loner. I don't think that is ever going to change. I am just not a social butterfly and I don't have a need or requirement to have other people around me constantly. I do enjoy people and I do enjoy the company of my family and friends. I now know I am not a hermit either. That holing up in my house has not solved anything. Though it is the easiest thing to do. I drop my kids off at school and from 9-3 I am all alone. Truly all alone. I don't live on a cul-de-sac with neighbors that I can see out my front window. I see trees and bushes out of all of my windows, while neighbors are close by they are not easily accessible. I don't think I really felt how alone it is out here until I have spent hours and days and years out here completely alone. Well moving is out of the question. I love my home, my land, and the country. Well not the dirt roads. That novelty wore off years ago. If I could have my land and more of a neighborhood with it, that would be the ideal, but realistically moving is not an option.

I need something to feel useful, not just housecleaning. HA that was never a novelty and has most definitely lost any appear it might have ever had. It is a chore, a necessary chore *sigh* and unlike my millionaire best friend I can't afford to just hire the work out.

Work is out of the question. My health would never allow it. Long accepted that. Maybe some limited volunteering. Hmm.

I need a project to help keep me busy. A useful one and I think I need one that is creative.

I do need to cultivate other friendships.

Now what to do about it?

I found a bunko club in my area and signed up to be an alternate and talked with the group organizer about possibly starting up a lunch group. I played Bunko with my best friend last year and really had a good time.

I discovered an Assistant Dog Club close by and have been corresponding with the President and will try to attend their next meeting in November and most likely join.

I have filled out the application to volunteer as a Dog Trainer for a Service Dog Program in my area. I need to finish the references and send it in. I think this will be good for me and the people will be understanding of my health issues.

I suggested that the kid's gymnastics have a couple of socials so that the team parents can meet each other and the kids can do something fun and social instead of always work. This idea was taken quite favorably and even suggested by another Mother on the girl's team.

I want to finally finish our basement! I have suggested this to my husband and he is quite agreeable. I need to draw up a plan and a list of what needs to be done. Break it down into smaller tasks and set up a timetable to get them done. I want this to also include my Garden Room. I think this needs to be a family project too. So include the kids with tasks.

I've been invited to do a table at the Craft Fair with a friend. I think I will try to do this. Though the Inner Me is doing her best to get out of this. But it would be a good opportunity to try and expand my dog food distributorship and maybe pick up a few dog-training clients.

I think I will make some Christmas items. I have a bead craft that I can do and have the kids help with it as well as I think I will crochet some more snowflakes. I an also go through my craft supplies and see what I have all ready.

I need to plan a lunch and invite some friends over. Maybe a lunch group of some sort. I do have two neighbors that live near enough that I should try and spend more time with them.

My dogs always make me happy and I need to spend more time with them. I am looking into carting. I picked up several dog trick books and now just need to make up a plan. There is a mixed breed club I could join. I do have the information.

So I have made a plan and I have taken some steps down this path ...

I think this is a good start for me. I am sure I will be doing some back trailing as making such changes within ones self isn't always easy. But I recognize the change is needed.

Wed, 30 Oct 2002 22:12:43 GMT

It was many years before I had the self-confidence to ever take a leadership role. Many years before I had the self-confidence to do anything without the fear of rejection. There is still a part of me that fears that to this day.
There was so much more and I am sure it would do me good to pour it all out, stomp on it and let it go, but it really isn't what I started out wanting to write about. But it was the turning point in my life. That summer we moved. My only disappointment was not shifting under the high school coach's wing.

But the introverted me was in place. In Ohio the middle school was 7th-9th and high school started in the 10th. In Florida where I moved High School started in the 9th grade so I was shoved right in the middle. No new mingling of the schools, peer groups and friendships all ready formed. I was too scared to make friends and too worried about stepping off the path and going through the nightmare of the last two years. I look back on that and realize it was just another mark that made me different and difficult to accept. It didn't help that my family was dysfunctional in itself. I ended up choosing a boyfriend from a different school, a popular boyfriend of that school and stuck to him like glue. He was safety.

I also look back on it now and see the depression and how it all started all those years ago. Started and left untreated.

The next years were difficult and maybe someday I will write about them as well. But it wasn't until almost my 22nd birthday before life came close to being normal and I was happy. The Inner Me and the Outer Me, became almost completely merged. I had many friends, co-workers, my husband, neighbors, home, and hobbies. I trusted and believed in people again. I was still shy on the inside and a part of me still was scared of being hurt but the Outer Me was brave and confident and for awhile there, during my bodybuilding competing years, almost cocky. I almost laugh at that ego I had developed. I was even able to deal with Julie, another "Queen" who had entered my life. She was awful but she was awful to all the other women in the circle I moved in, though again I tended to be her target more than the others. She would do outrageous things like hug my husband and flip me off behind his back and mouth obscenities at us. The ladies and I use to sit at the bar and concoct all kinds of evil things we could do to her. The guys, even my own husband never understood why we disliked her so much as they thought she was quite "charming" HA! But life was grand and it was good.

I was confident enough to move and we did. I made new friends, got involved in new organizations and heavy into volunteer work. I had my 3rd child and I was happy. Then my illness hit me and another "Queen" came in my life. The one who tried to steal my dog training classes and to discredit me in the dog-training world. She is another complete story and actually some of my readers know of her and the struggle and hell she was. Combined with my illness I couldn't battle her.

I am finally learning that the "Queens" are really the "Wicked Witch". I do better at standing up to them but I still can't seem to shake this almost naive reactions that yes, there are bad people out there.

The depression hit hard as I battled this new inner foe. My life was turned topsy turvy as I forced to give up everything. I fought back from that and since then really it is a teeter-totter, as it seems I go back and forth but never as bad as that first two years. It did show me who my true friends were as many just passed me on by. I think I scared people who felt certain helplessness as there was nothing really anyone could do. The two that stuck by me the most are the two that moved. Over the course of my illness I really did not cultivate any new friends, dependent on the friendships that were all ready formed. It is a struggle for me to make new friends even without these extra hurdles. I did not have the mental or physical capability to do so any more. I think that is why I took their move so hard and just started shutting down, combined with the struggle with my family and it all lead to this last year's funk.